Mary’s Great Ideas
During the winter months, I invented a host of “great ideas” to expand my writing audience:
- Write personal essays for online publications
- Share the testimonies of post-convent women on my site
- Create guest posts for other related blogs
- Share my story at the parish tea
- Record my testimony on TikTok
All these things will allow me to share my story with more readers, I reasoned, as I put on my business/public affairs hat.
In order to achieve these goals, I’d have to push myself really hard. Stay up later, drink more coffee, organize my time better, make more connections…
During the next few weeks, I sent out emails with blog ideas, requests for testimonies, and offers to speak at upcoming events. Nothing came of my efforts. The Lord answered me with a silent inbox.
And every night, instead of writing those personal essays, I nodded off over my laptop. I could spend time with my husband, clean the house, or do the laundry after 9 pm—but I couldn’t write a good sentence.
“How many words did you get last night?” my husband asked, on one of the following mornings.
“None,” I admitted grumpily. “As soon as I start writing, I fall asleep.”
The pandemic was over, and the kids were older and more demanding. I had many new responsibilities besides changing diapers and keeping house. I could no longer justify staying up late anymore, just to finish a story.
God’s Great Idea
Lord, nothing that I’m doing is working, I complained. What do You want me to do?
When He didn’t answer immediately, I started coming up with my own solutions.
Maybe the Lord doesn’t want me to keep writing anymore. Maybe He wants me to do something else instead. Get a real job. Become a massage therapist, a spiritual director, work at the grocery store…
Pretty much any career sounded better than writing my testimony right now. It was becoming so difficult, my friend Emilie and I had taken to calling it “Mount Doom”.
Mount Doom
Unfortunately, however, Mount Doom is exactly where Frodo and Sam were meant to go. Frodo wasn’t called to be a grocery clerk, but a Ringbearer. I was pretty sure God didn’t want me to abandon my Mount Doom, either.
But…don’t you like my great ideas, Lord?
There’s so many other ways I could be useful to You.
What about my family, Lord? Isn’t this too hard on them?
And my last excuse, which I feared the most:
If I write the truth, it might hurt someone I love.
If I wrote about my past, it might hurt someone’s feelings. It might bring back bad memories, and not just my own.
I didn’t want to condemn anyone. But I also didn’t know how to write a book about healing and forgiveness, without describing the reason I needed healing. If my choices and the choices of those around me were always perfect, then I had no need for a Savior.
The years had taught me that God was most present in my weakness and brokenness. If I wanted to reveal the Lord’s Face, I had only to show them my wounds.
This was the reason my convent memoir began with my failed relationship in Texas, rather than on Entrance Day. The Lord loved me before I was following Him. He called me before I was listening. And He had a marvelous plan for me, long before I had given up making my own plans.
My brokenness, His Mercy: they both revealed the Lord’s True Face. This was the story I wanted to tell.
Keep Going
I had discerned that the Lord wanted me to keep writing my testimony. But how did He want me to share it?
“Mary, you are a good writer. You should turn this into a book,” said my friend Judy*, mother of four.
“Have you thought about turning this into a book?” messaged another friend, a post-convent girl like me.
“Your posts are helping me to heal. Please keep writing your story!” wrote a fan on Instagram.
“It is important to keep going,” my friend Emilie texted me, when I was writing “An Impossible Silence”.
Sherry, the leader of my writer’s workshop: “Keep on writing.”
Keep writing. Keep going. Keep telling your story, until your story is a book.
Instead of wasting time on my “great ideas”, I needed to focus on the one thing I knew God wanted me to do: finish the book.
The Journey
At the end of March, I packed my bags for a trip to sunny California for my friend Lisa’s wedding. I was nervous about leaving James and the kids behind, but also excited to see Lisa again and to have my own adventure. During my visit, I was also going to meet my editor Ruth in her hometown of San Francisco.
I shooed the kids away from my shampoo and conditioner, then zipped up my suitcase. I had packed light so I wouldn’t have to lug everything around the airport. There wasn’t much I’d need, anyways, for a three-day trip.
Before I left, I gave my poor husband a long list of the kids’ routines and tips to follow while I was away.
I hope they’re going to be okay, I worried. Of course they are. They’re old enough for this now. Right?
“I love you, Mary,” said James, giving me a good-bye kiss. “Stay safe and have fun, okay? And take lots of pictures.”
“Okay,” I promised. “I’ll do my best.”
To the little ones, I gave long hugs. “Mama will be back so soon. You are going to have a great time with Daddy and Grandma!”
My son and daughter climbed into our bay window and waved at me as I left for the airport. I waved back, as long as I could see them.
It’s okay, Mary. God wants you to go on this trip. This is part of His plan.
My heart lifted at the thought. I didn’t trust myself, but I did trust Him.
Good-bye, Michigan, I thought. Hello, San Francisco!
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Thank you so much for reading! Please join me next week to read about my (very) adventurous day in San Francisco! 🌉
Loving this progress and being “inside” the process of your book! Thank you for continuing. Love Tricia
Thank you very much, Tricia! Writing the story has been a journey, too. 🙂 Hope you are well!
God bless, Mary