“I feel I have something to tell the world, to give the world…
You can be in the world, even lay, even married – while
your heart is monastic and enclosed. It can happen.”
– Nancy Shuman, The Cloistered Heart
At first, the Lord was silent. I sent an email to the Cloistered Heart’s team lead, but didn’t receive a response for weeks.
Why He Chose Me
While I waited for a response, I wrote a new chapter in my memoir titled, The Night I Found Him. It described the night in the convent when the Lord asked me to become His bride – and I said “yes.”
Nine years later, in May 2022, the Lord assured me this was no novice fantasy. Jesus had really called me to be a Bride of Christ – both then and now.
“What I have given, I have not taken away,” the Lord said.
The Church teaches that Jesus Christ is the Bridegroom of souls. Union with God is the goal of every Christian’s spiritual journey, and the saints teach it is something to be experienced even now, in our lives here on earth.
But the tenderness and persistence with which the Lord pursued me – the way He clearly stated His intention of making me His bride – I didn’t think He acted this way with every human soul.
So why did He choose me? I wondered.
I thought back to my 19 months in the convent, and the rock-solid trust in God I had gained from the experience. Where had this radical trust and dependence on God come from?
“It’s because Jesus saved me,” I rested my fingers over my laptop and gazed out the bedroom window. Sunlight filtered through leaves of green and gold. “He healed and rescued me, when no one else could. When I didn’t think it was even possible to be healed.”
The role of Jesus as the Bridegroom was intimately related to His role as Savior. When I was in the convent, the Lord healed both my back and my heart. The struggle it took for us to get there was what had bound us so closely together.
A Place for His Bride
The weekend after I finished the Bride of Christ chapter, a new work opportunity opened up at our parish. One of the staff members was leaving for another job, and Father had divided his responsibilities into several part-time positions.
“With employees in high demand right now, it will be difficult to fill these part-time positions,” Father Philip told the congregation after Sunday Mass. “But without someone to assist at Mass, maintain the grounds, and clean the church building, our parish cannot function. Please pray and ask people that you know to consider applying for one of these jobs.”
Over the bobbing heads of our children, my eyes met James’ with excitement. I had long desired a job, and also a chance to serve our parish. Maybe this was a way for me to do both.
Should I Go for It?
As James drove our family home from Mass, I studied the bulletin and began forming a plan. There were three new positions opening at our parish: a groundskeeper, sacristan, and custodian. I lacked the experience for the first job and the availability for the second. But the custodian position…I had some cleaning experience.
Once we were all settled in the kitchen eating our Sunday lunch, I proposed my idea.
“James?” I asked my husband hesitantly. “Would you be okay with me applying for the custodian job at our parish?”
He looked up from the Sunday sports page. “Is it something you would really like to do?”
“Yes!” I sliced up some cucumbers and placed them on my son’s plate. “I want to help the parish in a concrete way. I have for a while, but it hasn’t been possible, because of the kids.” My son and daughter had needed me at home. Until recently, they hadn’t done well with a babysitter.
“What kind of work would you do?” he asked. My daughter wriggled onto his lap and stole a piece of his sandwich.
“It says in the bulletin that Father is willing to split the custodial position in two: one person to clean the administration building, and the other person to clean the church.” I leaned over our blue laminate countertop and smiled. “I want to clean the church.”
A job where you can spend hours alone with Jesus? Surely everyone in the parish will be vying for a job like that.
James thought about it for a moment. “If you can find a babysitter to cover you while you’re working, and it’s not too many hours…then I think you should go for it.”
I grinned in delight. “Thank you, my love!”
Applying for the Job
I didn’t apply immediately. First I called my mother-in-law to see if she was available to babysit once a week. She checked her schedule and then agreed to help.
“Thank you so much,” I told her over the phone. “This job would mean so much to me.”
The next day, I emailed Father Philip:
Good evening Father,
My name is Mary Kreger, and I would like to apply for the part-time custodian position at [our] parish. I am interested in the job as a split position, preferably for cleaning the church area…
Because of my writing and family responsibilities, my current work availability is six hours each week. I would like to spend those six hours supporting our parish.
Attached is my resume, which includes my current and relevant work experience.
Father’s response was brief and to the point:
Mary,
I hired someone yesterday. If I knew you [were] interested I would have given you that job.
The new person is to start next Thursday. There is a possibility she won’t show up or change her mind – as that had happened before. If that’s the case I will contact you right away.
After reading Father’s message, I felt both disappointed and hopeful. Should I have emailed Father sooner?
No, I couldn’t, I reminded myself. I needed to find a babysitter first, before I could apply.
I walked over to the Sacred Heart image displayed over my dresser. Father said he would contact me if the other person changed their mind about the job. Surely the Lord wouldn’t let the limitations of my married vocation get in the way of His Will for me. If He wanted me to have this job, nothing was going to stop Him. And if He didn’t want me to have it, then I didn’t want it, either.
A few hours passed. I changed diapers, made dinner, washed the dishes.
No news from Father – yet.
The next day, I drove my son to therapy and then tucked my daughter in for her nap. When I opened my email, Father Philip had left a message. The woman he had hired for the position had rescinded their offer.
“So you can get the custodian job if still interested,” Father messaged. “And you can get it right away…Please let me know what you want to do.”
To which I instantly replied, “Yes!”
The New Cloister
The very next day, I arrived at the church to be trained for the custodial position. I wore an Our Lady of Guadalupe t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans for the occasion. I couldn’t wait to begin.
In my heart, I had an overwhelming sense that this position had been created just for me. The Lord knew how I longed to spend time with Him, especially in His Eucharistic Presence. But because of my son’s school and therapy schedules, my opportunities for daily Mass and Holy Hours were severely limited. My daughter and I visited the adoration chapel during the day, but she was too little to stay for longer than about ten minutes at a time.
I craved quality time with Jesus. I craved intimacy.
“The first thing I do on Monday mornings is to dust around the perimeter of the church, and then to polish around the tabernacle,” explained the old custodian and groundskeeper. “After that, there’s the bathrooms, confessional, vacuuming, sweeping…”
“That all sounds great,” I chimed in.
I loved the Lord, and I wanted to show Him – with the strength of my hands and feet. With a broom and a mop and even an old, clunky vacuum cleaner. From washing windows to cleaning toilets, I didn’t care what needed to be done, as long as I could do it with Jesus.
My First Month
The next Monday, I hugged my children good-bye and headed off for my first full day at work.
My cleaning tasks required minimal mental input, so my mind was free to think and pray. It was simple cleaning work, such that many people could do. Vacuuming, sweeping, and dusting didn’t require special skills.
Ah, but that’s not the point, I thought with a smile. Yes, many people could do this job. Some would do it far better than me. But how many of those people would perform it with the faith and love of a novice sister in her cloister? With the joy of a bride, cleaning the house of her Beloved?
The parish church was a new building in my life’s cloister. As I continued cleaning one morning and a few evenings a week, I noticed an interior change. I felt less anxious, and more at peace. I was calmer at home. New ideas for writing projects would form naturally while I was cleaning the church.
My new job had already begun to bear good fruit.
The Expansion
A month after beginning my new job, I posted perhaps my most contemplative post on my blog: The Expansion. The post was about the physical pain and sorrow I felt, in my deep longing for God:
“So long, Lord,” I wrote. “So long I have waited for You. For this convent of the heart.“
A few days later, Cora Brown sent me a long, heartfelt email with her comments on my blog post. The contents of that email, and my response to it, would direct me, once and for all, towards the way of life presented by the Cloistered Hearts. 💞
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Thank you so much for reading! Please join me next week to learn the contents of Cora Brown’s email about the Cloistered Hearts, and my exciting journey to discover more about the Cloistered Heart way of life!
