Audio: Mary Rose Kreger reads.
Once outside the convent
You still long to be inside it
The white curtained walls
The ancient creaking floors
The silence and the song.
-opening lines to Monastery in My Heart poem
On the day I left the convent in March 2014, flowers were blooming on the Motherhouse grounds and the weather was in the fifties. When I flew into my home state of Michigan, however, a thick blanket of snow covered the ground and ice lined the busy streets. The temperature was a frigid 26 degrees.
I shivered as I stepped out of baggage claim, then zipped my coat right up to my chin. I’d hoped in vain for a Michigan turning towards spring; what I got instead was a winter wonderland. Salt trucks and snow plows dominated the roads, and grey slush coated the underside of every car.
My Dad picked me up in our usual spot, the farthest parking space to the right. He greeted me with a long hug, before loading my suitcases into the back of Wedge, the family’s trusty Econoline van.
I was wearing my warmest coat from the convent, but it wasn’t nearly warm enough. After 7 months in the Dominican habit, a cream-colored ensemble made up of five layers of clothing, I was simply not used to feeling cold. And since Nashville winters rarely even feature a good snowfall, my body had forgotten how to navigate winter.
But the cold weather was only the first taste of my post-convent struggles. The next shocking occurance was driving home with my dad in the late evening hours, and talking together.
“We are so glad to have you home,” my dad said shyly. He’d brought a lunch bag filled with water and snacks for the long drive home. “But how are you doing, Mary?”
“I’m so much better, Dad,” I answered, with confidence and hope. “The Lord healed me in the convent, and now I’m back to look for my husband.”
I told my Dad about my meeting with Sister Grace, and how I’d realized I was called to a married vocation. My Dad was the one who’d taught me to ask the Holy Spirit to lead me to the vocation and the state of life where I could know, love, and serve God best. When I hesitated to enter the convent, he’d encouraged me to “jump out of the boat and walk on the water”. Now that I’d returned home, he was ready to support me in my new discernment journey.
“You’re welcome to stay with us as long as you need,” my dad said.
“Thank you so much, Dad.” I smiled in gratitude.
In spite of the wintry climate change, I was very excited to get back home. I had so many dreams and plans that I wanted to complete, now that I wasn’t going to be a sister. I would finish my novel and finally get it published. I would find a good job again, somewhere close to home. Most importantly, I’d start looking for my husband.
Late at night, during my last week, I’d dreamed of him. Was he waiting for me now, or years down the road? Whatever the case, I planned to be ready.
Still, there was just so much that would have to happen beforehand. First, my physical needs. I had no wardrobe, car, or job. Most of my possessions could fit in the checked and carry-on bags I’d brought back home. My tiny savings account wouldn’t get me farther than a few months of health insurance. I’d have to borrow or accept whatever anyone wanted to give me, at least for the time being.
I’m even poorer than when I entered the convent, I realized, because now I don’t even have my religious community.
Yet, I wasn’t overly concerned. In fact, I found my position freeing.
Coming home was all your idea, Lord, I reminded Him. I know You will provide for everything.
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Thank you so much for reading! Join me next week to hear about my first encounter with my family at home. 🙂
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