Digging Deeper
The night after my son’s preschool graduation, I did some research online. I made a list of the symptoms I’d been experiencing: mood swings, insomnia, fatigue, depression, and a general sense of overwhelm. These symptoms peaked each month for about two weeks, before fading again until the next month began. In other words, about half of every month I felt irritable, anxious, and depressed.
My research pointed me toward a recurring condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. It is a chronic illness that causes a woman to experience extreme fatigue, lowered impulse control, depression, and suicidal thoughts during the second half of their cycle. Over and over again, each month.
PMDD is an endocrine disorder, believed to be experienced by women who have extreme sensitivity to hormonal fluctuations. It can affect a woman’s mood, energy level, and perception of reality so much, it can lead to irreparable damage to their relationships with others:
“Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) can ruin lives and relationships, and yet, it’s often dismissed as female histrionics rather than a real and debilitating chronic illness…[it] negatively impacts our relationships with partners and children, our workplace relationships, and every other important relationship in our lives.”
This sounds a lot like what I’ve been experiencing. I remembered how out of control I felt when my son was having his meltdown earlier that afternoon. I behaved in a way that the true Mary would not normally have behaved, and in a way I did not want to act at all. According to the experts on “Google University”, this sense of “feeling out of control” was one of the main symptoms of PMDD.
Could This Be Me?
I set down my phone and rested my head on the bed covers. Learning about PMDD wasn’t exactly good news. Still, it was a relief to know this was a real condition and that I wasn’t crazy. Or rather, that my craziness might have a physical cause.
The health website said to contact my physician if I had four of the 11 symptoms.
My eyes swiftly ran through the list: One, two, three…oh. I have eight.
My husband walked into the room.
“Hey James, could I talk to you about something?”
He settled down beside me on our comfy, queen-size bed. “Sure, Mary.”
A bit self-consciously, I showed him my observations from the last few months, the ones I used for our fertility awareness method and to keep track of my mood.
“Whenever I’m having a down day—depressed, anxious, fatigued—I’ve marked it as a ‘storm cloud’ day on my chart,” I explained to him. “At first I thought these days were just random, based off whatever was going on in our lives at the time, or on what I was blogging about that week.” I pointed at the storm cloud days on the chart. “But if you look at the storm cloud days from the last 7 months, you can see that they almost all happen during the second half of my cycle.”
I studied James, hoped I wasn’t losing him with all this talk about feminine cycles.
“Did you ask our fertility instructor about it?” he asked, scratching his head.
“Yes. She said it could be caused by low progesterone levels. Which makes sense, since I’ve had that in the past. But I think it’s something more than that.” I passed James the post-It note where I’d written down my eight symptoms. “It’s called PMDD, and it matches up with what I’ve been experiencing. Symptoms for 10-14 days at the end of each cycle. Often begins manifesting in women in their mid-to-late thirties.” I massaged my temples in dismay. “Unfortunately, that sounds like me.”
“Hmm.” James glanced at my sticky note, then began researching on his phone. “Whatever this is, you should go see a doctor about it, Mary.” He brought up some local doctors on his device. “I looked up some practitioners in the area, because you don’t have a primary care physician right now. Why don’t you give one of them a call?”
I smiled at James, feeling relieved. Once again, he had anticipated my need.
“Okay.” I gave him a kiss. “Thank you for watching out for me.”
Werewolf Time
The first available doctor’s appointment was a month away, at the end of June. As I added the appointment to the calendar, I studied the month of June with dread. What would happen in two weeks, when I started having those alarming symptoms again? I felt a bit like a werewolf fearing the full moon. When I awoke from my hormone-induced dysphoria, what emotional wreckage would I find in my wake?
Calm down, Mary. Just remember what that girl said online: plan ahead.
So I did. I counted the days to when I thought I might be feeling my worst, and asked my older sister if she could prepare a meal for me that day. I resolved not to overschedule myself during that time of the month, and to do some activities I enjoyed on those days.
The worse part about this PMDD-thing is that it’s outside of my control, I thought. It’s more sickness than sinful.
After all, I could choose not to sin. As far as I knew, I couldn’t choose not to have PMDD. It was an illness with remedies, but no cure.
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Thank you so much for reading! Visit next Friday for “The Search for Peace, Part III”! (I’ve already written it, so rest assured that there really will be a post next week to bring some hope and healing to your day!) 😊
Tomorrow morning I fly out to Nashville with my husband to visit the Sisters. Please pray for us, that we have a safe, fruitful, and restful trip!
God bless you, you are all in my prayers!
